The Numbers

Edward made the suggestion in the very earliest days of their marriage - they should put a number to the depth of their love for one another. And more - that they should wear it not on their sleeves of course, but rather as a badge and thus on the chest. He knew (better than she) that their separate loves would ebb and flow in their separate rhythms, and that only rarely would the two of them love each other equally. He knew that very often he would love his wife more deeply than she did him; he knew that; but he was confident that later, perhaps some years later even, her love was bound to surpass his love immeasurably.

He had determined that they should know one another's feelings; yes and they should know the temporary imbalances in feeling too (whenever they were there). Why not? It is a cowardly creature that lives on fictions and wilful ignorance. The 'best left unsaid' mentality was not to be his world. And so he had decided upon the numbers nought to ten, and in the early days rather amateur badges made of card were worn by husband and wife, but later he had two sets of proper badges made up out of tin. The number to be worn was to be reconsidered at the start of every week; and so a kind of stock must be taken every Sunday night, something which in itself was very important to Edward.  

On these Monday mornings she was always up earlier than he. He would clump down the wooden steps leading round a curve to the latched door into their kitchen. Of course he wouldn't at first dare to look at the number blazing on her chest. Every Monday the same drama would play itself out. Seated at the wooden table, his wife would be bending to her breakfast and as she chewed, looking with preoccupation through the window, apparently oblivious to the excited turmoil within Edward, but no doubt actually aware of it in an accepting fashion. When unable to contain himself longer, he would rush with short steps before her, part her elbows and stare at the week's chosen badge always with a gasp of relief.

Edward always agonised over the numbers he must choose for his feelings for her. Often he worried about it for days beforehand. Just how much did he feel? Could it always be a ten? How different did a nine feel? And horrors! What, if ever he were to wear an eight, what would he have to do to regain his nine feelings for his wife, and would he have to say anything about it? Sadly his wife nearly always wore a six, though Edward could clearly remember three sevens during foreign holiday years. And he always tried to earn a higher number from his wife the following week. He thought about it most of the time at work. The fact of the matter was that he saw it to be his role to be so pleasing to her that she could not wish for more out of him. It was his purpose.

Their mutual friends were always mildly amused at their number-badges, and should they see the couple about the city, the men in particular would put down their bags for a moment, walk over while chuckling greetings and tap the badges laughing good-naturedly at Edward's ten. This grading raised in Edward (and he assumed in his wife as well) the question of just what love is. Do you wish to define love as a feeling for instance? Then if you are not experiencing a feeling at any one moment (say you are absorbed in a conversation for instance) does that mean you are not in love during that conversation? No? Well what exactly do you mean by 'a feeling' then? Edward, unlike most people, tried never to be preoccupied by matters other than his love for her.

Then one day his wife told him - this was during one of her more and more frequent drunken stupors - that she was never going to wear anything over a six. That she wanted the number low. And in this way she felt he always wanted her more than she wanted a partner. A man's craving for her was permanently important.

Edward stumbled out of the family home and wandered aimlessly around the streets for an evening. But eventually he focused his mind again. So much so in fact, that he set off right away back to his drunken wife. After all he now knew something he should know of his wife's makeup. This side of her could easily, easily, have remained hidden for ever if he had never introduced his numbers.